Owning Up to Your Family and Friends about Your Addiction Problem

Owning Up to Your Family and Friends about Your Addiction Problem

December 26, 2016 | Valerie Brusamarello | Featured Article

Addiction is a disease just like cancer and diabetes, but unfortunately, it is never easy to open up to your loved ones about your addiction problems. Psychologically, you will be pouring out your imperfections to people who are only supposed to see the best version of you. However, with the appropriate guidelines, you won’t have to worry about the hidden skeletons in your closet anymore.

What is your Addiction?

How to talk to your friends or family about getting help with addiction is not rocket science but clearly sounds like it. A lot of questions will be running on your mind, and if not careful, your emotions will overwhelm you in return. You will ask yourself questions like, where do I start? What if they judge me? How did I end up being such a mess? Will I ever recover?

Such questions mean nothing if you are still not willing to take responsibility for your actions. To clear your conscious, you should note that you are not the first addict and you won’t be the last. Everyone falls but getting back on your feet separates the strong from the weak.

Everyone is addicted to something be it drugs, the social media content, or the deep web and thus what makes you an addict is your inability to control how such things influence your life. Thus, you end up pushing yourself to an edge of moral destruction, and your character becomes impaired by the content or substance you regularly expose your inner self.

No one is born an addict, and no one has to live as an addict, and thus the following guidelines will help you come clean to your friends and family so as to receive the appropriate moral support through your recovery from addiction.

Where did it Start?

Firstly, no one wants to be an addict or addicted to anything as there is always a breeding ground that leads to the addiction behavior. The breeding ground may be at school, home, or the work environment and peer pressure from influential peers, high levels of stress, and the social media are its trigger.

At first, maybe you just thought you were hanging out with your pals and enjoying the little pleasures of life until it turned into something serious. Then the habit forced itself as a part of your character. You could no longer control yourself, and the fun part of the hangout turned you into a substance abuser.

The truth is a painful dose of reality and owning it will assist you through your rehabilitation process. Your loved ones will want to know where it all started as by hiding such facts from them might lead to a blame game. Do not let them take the fall. They will need to know if it is the environment that changed you or a specific sect of your friends. Just give them a reason.

If it is the environment, then your loved ones might consider changing it for a while so that you can regain control over your life once again. If it is your peers, then the appropriate council will be arranged for you.

Admit You Have a Problem

You will never find the courage to face your loved ones or any family member if you are still egotistical about the matter. No one is perfect; just admit that you made a mistake. Knowing that you went astray at some point in life will give you the strength to face your loved ones and admit your faults.

You will have the support of everyone through well wishes and prayers. Moreover, putting your guilt, ego, or pride aside will enable you to focus on your full recovery from the menace solely.

Take an Initiative

Taking the initiative simply means that you should be the one to take the first actionable step to show your willingness to change before facing your loved ones. Seek legal counsel or register at the nearest viable rehab center before meeting your loved ones. They will be happy to know that you became the bigger person by taking the first step towards change.

Moreover, research on the type of addiction you have and how best to cope with it. Your family members and friends will want to know your next move even if they don’t ask.

Talk To Someone Closest to You First

Maybe you are in sync with a loved one or a close member of the family; let that person know what troubles you. Admitting to that single person that you have a problem will give you the strength to face the rest of the family. That one person will give you courage and will be able to channel more strength in you to face the rest of the family members. They might even help soothe the process towards intervention.

When a particular loved one knows what you are going through, there will be less tension in the room when it comes to pouring out your heart to the rest of the family member(s). That involved person will act as an accomplice to your confession, and it will not be about you and the faults in your life anymore but about a broken piece of the family unit that needs fixing. It’s psychology 101.

Plead Your Case

After closely digesting all the above-stated facts, you should be ready to take an actionable cause by requesting a close gathering involving your family members and close friends. Be as honest as possible with your words and in the process seek their moral support for you are going to need it. Being an addict is one thing but recovering from an addiction is another thing.

Recovering from an addiction is mostly about the strength you draw from others and never about how strong you are. Admitting your faults will take you to the recovering phase and the moral support from your close friends and family members will act as the major contributor. You will be happy knowing that the people closest to you feel your pain and struggles.

I’ll Be Sober for The Holidays…

I’ll Be Sober for The Holidays…

December 19, 2016 | Marilyn Spiller | Featured Article

Sung to the tune of “I’ll be Home for Christmas” with the same level of nostalgia and hopefulness…

This will be my fourth sober holiday season. I am grateful and clear-eyed and, well, nostalgic. Remembering some of the drinking traditions I used to have when I was a partier. That’s the rub for someone like me. There are still residual sounds and smells and sights that remind me of the times I was “happily” imbibing.

Committed to My Sobriety…

Let me explain. I am committed to my sobriety, but my brain still waffles occasionally. The pathways I formed in my days of drinking alcoholically, still fire – cue, response, perceived pleasure –  at the weirdest of times. It is when I am most grateful for my resolve. And for the tools, I have in my good ole sobriety tool belt. (Think shiny, patent leather-like Santa’s.)

My son used to say that whenever he opened a certain teak cabinet in my condo, it smelled “like Christmas”. It’s where I kept the Spode, holiday china and the candlesticks. And the wine glasses emblazoned with wreaths of holly. The olfactory senses are some of the strongest triggers to memory. My son was recalling the smell of spruce and teak wood, and salivating at the thoughts of Christmas Eve, turkey dinner. Anticipating the opening of the perfect gift, even in July.

It’s classical conditioning, just as primal as Pavlov’s dogs. And an alcoholic has been conditioned to remember the perceived pleasure of a glass of plonk. After all, I used to drink a bottle of champers every Christmas Eve as I wrapped presents. I also drank mimosas while the children opened their gifts Christmas morning. I downed a bottle of red wine with lunch. Those are memory pathways that I’m still working to repair.

So, What’s an Alcoholic to Do?

I keep most of my holiday decorations in an air-conditioned storage space in Ponte Vedra, Florida. I go to get them out for what my children and I call “the high holidays” – the time between Halloween and New Year’s Eve.

It’s a bit of a sticky wicket for me, because so many of my holiday memories past are wrapped up (pun intended) in the trappings of my previous alcohol consumption. These days, I am more inclined to crave peppermint bark than a glass of chardonnay. But, occasionally, I will get an out of the blue, punch in the gut, craving for wine. I hate when that happens.

Here’s What I Do When a Holiday Craving Hits:

Stop, Drop and Roll

By the way, the longer I am sober the less frequently this happens. But, the best thing to do when you open the box with the red and green champagne glasses (jingling with cute little charms on the stems) is stop. Take a minute and think about the way your head hurt on that holiday morning, five years before. Think about how drinking was not a choice…

Play it Forward

You’ve heard it before, but one of the best things you can do when your brain tricks you into remembering your substance use disorder fondly is play the scenario through to its inevitable end. The reason there are 8 wine glasses in the set of 12 you are unpacking, is because you dropped them when you fell. In front of the kids. And they are so proud of you now…

Go Out for a Run

There is so much scientific evidence that proves physical exercise can help rewire the brain and meliorate some of the impact of previous substance use. After you have strung the lights, or placed the menorah get outside for a long walk, run, snowshoe, skate or baby carriage push. Physical activity in the bracing air will cure A LOT of ills.

Do Something You Couldn’t Do When You Were Bombed

Do you know what a Bongo Board is? That’s in my storage space too. It’s a surfboard on a dowel, you balance on. Drag that thing out and be awesome. Or do something else you couldn’t do if you were inebriated. Balance. And remember that in the final days of your active addiction, you had no balance. You had no memory.

Be Loud and Proud

Allow yourself to be proud. That you resisted buying the $3,000 puppy this year (even though it was adorable). That you attended the office party and are not the topic of conversation around the water cooler… That you feel better, look better and are no longer the relative who must be explained.

Just Say, “No!”

When I was new to sobriety, and a craving would hit, I would shout out loud (no matter where I was), “NO!” That worked for me. But what I want to tell you, is that sobriety is not some test of will or a contest with prizes. You should feel free to say “no” if you feel like a situation or a group of people is a danger to your sobriety. Being sober is the gift. Protect it.

And here’s the good news about facing your triggers and your memories. The simplest and best way to break the trigger-response connection is repeated exposure without the reward. So, unpack away! Remember till the cows come home! Just don’t act on it…

This holiday season, I look forward to all the sounds, smells, tastes and sights. I am excited to form new memories I can unpack next year. I have surrounded myself with people who support my sobriety and who love the sober me. And I avoid those folks who don’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself. The fact is, everyone, says I am more fun to be around these days.

I’ll be sober for the holidays. And for all the moments and memories to come…

No Time for Happiness? 7 Principles for Embracing Your Limits

No Time for Happiness? 7 Principles for Embracing Your Limits

December 12, 2016 | Katherine Swarts, MA | Featured Article

Fewer people are “driven to drink” by tragedy than by the everyday stress of “keeping up.” It doesn’t matter whether your daily schedule revolves around entering data into a computer, taking care of children, or volunteering with Habitat for Humanity: just when you think you’ve got a time slot for everything and everything in its time slot, a new e-mail comes in, a broken traffic light adds ten minutes to your commute, or something reminds you of that hobby you’ve been neglecting and that exercise you haven’t been getting.

Every schedule and “want-to-do” list comes with temptations to guilt and anger: guilt over not being able to do everything life suggests, anger because life keeps suggesting things. And when you do make it to a downtime period, you have little energy left for anything besides sleeping or watching TV—or drowning your frustration in a mind-altering chemical.

The antidote is to stop chasing happiness with the idea of “if I just try harder I can get everything under control.” Here are seven better philosophies to live by—and to help you find joy in every current moment.

1. Your Challenges Will Always Exceed Your Limits

The universe is bigger than we are. The span of time is bigger than we are. Even city buses and office cubicles are bigger than we are.

So where do we get the idea that our own effort and planning will enable us to eventually get on top of everything that’s capable of touching our lives?

Counterintuitive as it seems, admitting our limited power is remarkably empowering. It frees us from feeling personally responsible for all the world’s needs. It gives us the courage to make time for our own needs. It allows us to clear space to just rest and think—strengthening ourselves to make better choices and carry them out effectively.

2. Limits Are a Blessing, Not a Curse

You may have heard the modern fable about a man who dies and goes to a place where his every whim is instantly granted. It’s only after he reaches the point of utter boredom that he realizes this—not fire and torture—is the true hell.

Spoiled-rotten people rarely find much to be happy about. Nothing is ever enough; every inconvenience is an insult; anything anyone else has is something they’ve been cheated of. They make themselves miserable because they feel entitled to happiness without effort. The truth is, effort itself is the source of happiness. If we were capable of controlling the world at will, we would never know the satisfaction of a hard-won goal, or the relationship rewards of helping and being helped.

3. You Know What’s Best for You

Not in the shallow sense of “I want what I want when I want it,” but in the sense of understanding at gut level what work you were made for and what activities give you genuine pleasure. Many people have been so brainwashed by what’s expected of them, or by what “everyone knows” is the sensible path, that they have buried their true selves in the name of practicality. The most miserably overwhelming life is the life you never really wanted.

4. The Thing You Can Best Control Is Yourself

That may seem a strange idea to anyone struggling with addiction since the famous 12 Steps open by emphasizing lack of personal control! But a careful look at the full sobriety process—from the initial decision to seek help, to the post-detox future of deciding daily not to return to the old crutch—shows there can be no real recovery without taking charge of one’s own decisions and attitudes.

Of course, controlling yourself isn’t necessarily easy—if you have a co-occurring mental disorder, it may even be impossible without some form of medication. But it’s easier than (and easier without being combined with) trying to control the stock market, the commuter traffic, and every decibel of background noise. Remember also, “controlling yourself” doesn’t just mean holding in your anger. It also means engaging your personal initiative to seek alternate solutions such as noise-canceling headphones or even a new job.

5. You Can’t Go It Alone

Everyone who’s ever been to a 12-Step meeting knows that recovery relies heavily on the support of a Higher Power and of human peers. Fewer people would wind up at Alcoholics Anonymous, to begin with if they had spent fewer years being too proud to accept regular support in day-to-day life.

6. It’s No Crime to Enjoy Yourself

Nothing that runs on energy, including human beings, can function long without recharging. Go ahead and take your family evenings at home, your camping trips and your spa days. Never mind what important things still need doing: they’ll wait until you’re rested and better able to continue them effectively.

7. There’s a Time to Be Still

Well-known names from Albert Einstein to J. K. Rowling had periods in their pre-fame lives when they weren’t expected to amount to much because their heads were constantly in the clouds. Sometimes the best ideas are conceived through daydreaming. Give yourself fifteen minutes or a few hours a day to just let your mind roam. Turn off your e-mail, turn off your phone, hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on your door.

Also, reserve daily time for more directed prayer or meditation. The bustling holiday season is also the Christian season of Advent, traditionally observed through daily quiet times. Speaking of religion, the famous Bible quote “Be still” is translated from a Hebrew word that means “relax and let go of everything.” That’s the spirit of effective daydreaming and meditation—keeping immediate worries out of the picture and giving deeper realities a chance to speak so you can hear.

Life has its limits. But when their true nature is understood, they become blessings to be embraced for health and happiness.

Suggested Reading 

Dale Carnegie, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (especially the section on “Six Ways to Prevent Fatigue and Worry”).

Marc Chernoff, “16 Insanely Popular Ways to Waste a Beautiful Day.” (Believe it or not, none of them have anything to do with screen time!)

Do you use drugs and alcohol to manage your emotions?

Do you use drugs and alcohol to manage your emotions?

December 5, 2016 | Robyn Brickel, LMFT, Level II C-PTSD, CCTP | Featured Article

I really dislike the word addict to describe someone. I believe that people are more than just their addiction! Yes, many of my clients are trauma survivors who use (or have used) drugs and alcohol (or food or self-harming behavior) to feel less bad and they are/have been addicted to their drug of choice, but they are people in pain. More than just the word addict is needed to describe them.

The truth is, if someone is using drugs or alcohol, it’s likely the best coping mechanism they’ve got right now. That’s right. They are using as a coping mechanism … not because it’s fun or enjoyable.

Let’s face it. The general public sees addicts as bad people. But when addiction touches your life—it suddenly becomes clear that addiction isn’t selective between good people and bad people. It impacts everyone. While tragically addiction is becoming more common, it’s also (thankfully!) becoming less stigmatized.

I believe it demonstrates a major shift in our country’s perception that the Surgeon General is calling for compassion. I applaud and say it’s about time!

“This Report is a call to all Americans to change the way we address substance misuse and substance use disorders in our society. Past approaches to these issues have been rooted in misconceptions and prejudice and have resulted in a lack of preventive care; diagnoses that are made too late or never; and poor access to treatment and recovery support services, which exacerbated health disparities and deprived countless individuals, families, and communities of healthy outcomes and quality of life. Now is the time to acknowledge that these disorders must be addressed with compassion and as preventable and treatable medical conditions.”

In light of this powerful statement, I want to help further the compassion with a few tips and resources:

  • You can’t treat addiction without treating trauma. There is always a reason someone is using drugs or alcohol and a pattern of addiction has taken hold. Often times, this reason can be a perceived trauma in the person’s life. While trauma is in the eye of the perceiver and can be different for everyone—it’s crucial that we treat addiction through a trauma-informed lens.
  • Understanding addiction is key to responding effectively. By better understanding the nature and formation of addiction, we can help people with addiction and their loved ones find new, positive ways to support the journey to recovery. Understanding addiction.
  • Opiate addiction is widespread—and compassion is essential. Right now, there is a heroin/opiate epidemic going on. It’s spanning all communities, all ages, all races, all genders, and all socioeconomic statuses! Like the Surgeon General stated, compassion is essential in treating addiction.
  • If your adolescent is using… If you believe your child is using drugs or alcohol, talking with them is very important. No matter how terrified or anxious you feel, your love and concern can provide great strength for your child’s recovery. Discover how to talk with your adolescent about their drug or alcohol use and learn about substance abuse and the teenage mind.
  • If you are a family member of someone using addiction… I understand how hard it is to watch a family member who is using addiction. I understand how powerless you feel as you watch your loved one struggle in the depth of their addiction. What I’m about to tell you is really important: YOU deserve care too.

As a trauma-informed therapist who treats addiction, I know that addiction and recovery don’t happen overnight. But I also know that there is help and that it works. In almost 20 years of practice, I have seen so many people recover, get healthy, and no longer have the need to use the addiction. There is hope!

Other articles I’ve written on addiction and compassion that may be helpful: