Healing through recovery for me has been one of the hardest but also one of the most amazing gifts that I’ve received. Before I got sober, there was no healing. No introspection, no looking at my part, and no taking time for me – none of that existed. What did exist was a lot of drugging and drinking to numb. That’s what worked for me.
Healing in recovery does not show up at my doorstep looking how I think it should look. Most of the time I am doing a good amount of self-care, not cognizant that is also healing. It’s not tangible, it’s internal. And it doesn’t happen overnight. I’m just doing what someone suggested I should do. Fast forward a few weeks to when I realize that I am actually healing because my perspective has shifted and the way I handle situations has changed; it may not feel comfortable, but it’s what I needed at that moment in time.
One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Marianne Williamson says, “We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.”
In the healing from certain life situations; which for me can be a job change, a lifestyle change, the loss of a loved one, the loss of an era or the loss of a relationship; all have their own organic timeline. In recent years I’ve dealt with some of these losses. None are fun and some have had me think about a drink. Thankfully, those thoughts don’t last long, because I know how to manage them today.
Life on Life’s Terms
When I’m in healing or self-care mode, I need to have what I’m having. Sit in the uncomfortable place of being uncomfortable. Do the next indicated thing, which sometimes is just brushing my teeth and feeding my dog Lucy. For normalcy, I’m doing my morning and evening routines – which consist of journaling, prayer, meditation, daily gratitude list and sharing with another person how God has been showing up in my life each day. I’m working my career job 8-5 most days and that takes up a lot of space in my head, and that’s a savior for me. Some days this is the most I can do. Other days I want nothing to do with any of it and I would like to just lie in bed and watch The Food Network and Bravo TV. In that order. I don’t want to talk to anyone or visit with anyone or have any social connections. Sounds healthy huh? However, I do have my list of things I like to do that help with my healing, such as; meeting with my sponsor or sponsee, food shopping, hiking with Lucy, going to a meeting, watching Netflix, having dinner with a friend, going to a movie – whatever I can do to get out of myself.
Another recent loss for me was feeling like a youthful woman. TMI here now for you men, but this past year I turned 50 and entered menopause. I have undergone emotional, physical and spiritual changes due to the vast hormonal happenings that are occurring. I’m dealing with a situation now where I don’t know what will happen. The unknown. The projection of it all, the zillion questions that keep coming up like whack-a-moles.
A wise soul recently said to me, “You don’t have to do any worrying because God already knows what’s going to happen; just show up.”
Ahhh, yes that sounds great! So easy – just do nothing! However, I cannot help but think and project and analyze – because after all, I am an alcoholic and my cuckoo mind tells me lies and untruths.
I am also using many sober tools like reading some of my favorite blogs, Sasha Tozzi, http://www.sashaptozzi.com, Carly Benson’s, http://www.miraclesarebrewing.com Miracles are Brewing, and inspirational posts on others Facebook. Who knew that Facebook really would help!?
Doing life is hard, it gets messy and it has hard edges and some days it’s just so unbearable. Then we get to do life sober, which can be even more challenging. No drugs, booze, or addictive behaviors complete us any longer. However, shopping and emo eating seem to linger on from time to time. Having Lucy has saved me more than not. She needs to go out a few times a day, so I will throw on a hat and a jacket and make my way, gasp – outside! The air always feels light and crisp and then I realize I am living in my dream town. Life is bearable.
I’m going to be ok. I always am. No matter what. Writing about it also takes the power out of it for me. Thanks for being a powerful outlet for me today.