I got an email from a friend the other day. A decidedly chagrinned friend, asking me to write an article about the pitfalls of making a phone call while drunk. He said, “I had a little incident the other night. I received a scathing email from a female friend of mine (maybe no longer a friend) who reminded me of a late night message I left on her machine (I have no recollection of doing so). She called me a ‘filthy mongrel’ and indicated she did not ever want to speak to me again. Apparently I was rather graphic about a sexual innuendo… please note I am not very proud of this.”
My first response was to scold him. In fact, I did say I thought he was “a little old for this kind of behavior” and that there really was no excuse for dialing while drunk (DWD).
Now that I am clear headed, I feel a bit self-righteous. I do not send text messages I regret anymore. I do not forget I have called 20 times in an hour and call again. You know what I’m talking about: waking with a pounding headache and the queasy feeling you’ve done something bad. Really, really bad…
You look at your phone, on the floor by your wadded pants and a confetti of crumpled dollar bills, as if you’ve woken to find a live hand grenade on the carpet. OH GOD, WHAT DID I DO?
It was bad enough when you slurred into an answering machine or allowed the object of your affection to say, “Please stop calling.” With the advent of the text message, drunkards are free to make fools of themselves late at night, unchecked. And like the gift that keeps on giving, the recipient (who has not slept well for all the pinging notifications that texts are coming in) reads the messages by the cold light of day. This sets you up to be called things like “filthy mongrel,” made worse by the thick head and the stop-and-go memory of what exactly you said to deserve such vitriol…
Aren’t you glad you don’t do that anymore?
If you still drink occasionally, or if you feel needy late at night, or if you must be reminded of past behavior to strengthen your sober resolve, read on.
The 8 Things NOT TO DO with a Smart Phone:
- Spout false protestations of love
- Worse, send true declarations of affection – met with, “Huh? Who is this?” on the other end of the phone
- Share “cute” photographs of yourself draped over the laps of drunk people you do not know
- Call 25 times (tell me I didn’t call 25 times…)
- Verbally parry – you’ll definitely be there, and the ever increasing, angry responses that you are still not there
- Receive the receipts for things you purchased but did not particularly want (like 5 pizzas or a Great Dane puppy…)
- Send tear-filled messages saying, “Why don’t you love me?”
- Script the ever popular “poison pen” note.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen I have sent all the above messages when I was in my cups. My genteel use of the phone is just one in a list of many reasons I love being sober. There is an AP called “Drunk Mode” to save you from yourself. It locks your phone from calling, texting or sending photos to certain people on your contact list for up to 12 hours.
It’s a great idea, but I don’t know anyone who uses it – because no one goes off to the bars expecting to became a pathetic, loser, idiot. And when you need to turn on the “Drunk Mode”, you are already too messed up to think you are going to do anything wrong.
I don’t mean to sound like a prig, but I’m going to say to all of you what I said to my chagrinned friend: Stop over-drinking – in fact, stop drinking all together. If you are making late night calls that embarrass you the next day, or impact your relationships you are drinking too much.
Where’s the AP that tells you to PUT DOWN THE DRINK and get a cab home?
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